The biggest one was how much I sucked at setting boundaries while we were there!

Luckily, I can see exactly where I failed, and am thrilled to have that awareness, so that I can learn from it, and do better next time. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m obsessed with growth and learning, and love to celebrate failures because they are simply part of the process.

I’m sharing this with you today, because I want you to be an absolute badass at setting – and maintaining – your boundaries, regardless of the circumstances. Learn from my mistakes!

Okay, back to my story. Having traveled through 11 countries for 10 months in 2016-17 and run my business that whole time, I know I can work and travel at the same time. What I neglected to account for this time, however, was that I would be juggling not just work and travel but also a very intense social schedule. Good problem to have, I know! Haha.

For 2.5 weeks in Spain, we were traveling with my husband’s family and a group of 30+ other people (the families of colleagues of my father-in-law). We spent time in Barcelona, San Sebastian, Bilbao, Toledo, and Madrid.

During that time, there were day trips, big dinners, happy hours in hotel lobbies, so many tapas and pintxos and bottles of wine, late nights dancing in the bars until 3am, and lots of world cup soccer watching get togethers. The family friends we were with, who we typically only see every 2 years, are from the US, Sweden, Australia, Japan, and Israel. And I wanted to spend as much time as possible with everyone!

Once we arrived in Sweden, where we spent the last 10 days of our trip, we were with family and friends the whole time, including my two brothers and their wives and my 6 nephews! Needless to say, there was a LOT of intense time spent socializing and catching up with important people.

I was able to squeeze in 10+ client calls and keep up with some other work stuff, but what I did NOT do was honor some of my personal self care needs. I am an introvert and need lots of solo down time in order to recharge my batteries. I also like to get lots of sleep and exercise. Staying on top of emails (inbox zero baby!) makes me feel organized and calm. These are the things that fell between the cracks.

My FOMO (fear of missing out) and desire to feel included and to belong were strong and on many occasions I ignored the wise whisper of my gut telling me to take a break, rest, or do some work.

The impact was that about halfway through the trip I started to feel very depleted, tired, and a bit socially anxious. At first I was annoyed at myself and felt a little shame that I was being so self conscious and awkward. It felt like an old, outdated version of me that I thought I had let go of long ago. Wtf?!

Then it hit me – BOUNDARIES! I’m not setting boundaries. And not honoring some of my own basic needs. Once I understood that, I made a few small adjustments and voila! Back to normal.

So, my biggest takeaway was that holy crap, just because I’m great at setting boundaries when I’m home doesn’t always translate to other situations. Next time I travel, I’ll make sure to prioritize those basic self care needs.

Another takeaway was that while I love working while doing slow travel, I’d actually prefer not to work that much when I’m visiting family or on intensely social trips. Next time I’ll simply take a few weeks off of work in order to create space for all people related stuff.

Prioritizing self care and setting boundaries are a crucial part of showing up as your best self.

Learn how to do that well, even when your circumstances change, such as during a vacation or outside of your usual routines, and you will train yourself to operate at an even higher level – being more efficient and productive, WHILE also feel more calm and fulfilled.

Get clear on what’s important to you and practice saying yes and no in a way that supports you showing up as your best self. Then practice honoring those boundaries even in different situations when other factors are at play.

The post Why I sucked at boundaries last month appeared first on Sandra Possing.

I’ve been OBSESSED with just how well it works lately. It makes a massive difference when you train your mind to look for the positive and to get into the habit. So! I want to share some of my favorite tips and tricks with you in the list below. Here’s a facebook post I did earlier today where I was just riffing about it if you prefer that format.

Gratitude can be done in a million different ways. Don’t worry about getting it right, just play with it, experiment, and look for the strategies that work best for you!

My Favorite Gratitude Hacks

This is a list of my favorite gratitude hacks, starting with the easiest and most accessible and progressing to the more advanced or involved techniques, which I recommend for more experienced practitioners.

1) Gratitude Journal
Keep a journal or notebook, that is dedicated to gratitude, somewhere easily accessible. For the beginner, I suggest a pad of paper and pen on your nightstand. Every night before you go to sleep, write down a simple list of 3 things (e.g. puppies, my health, lasagna) that you are thankful for. Try to stick with the practice for at least a month, preferably longer, to help it become a habit.

2) Gratitude Accountability Buddy
Recruit a friend, family member, partner, or colleague to be your accountability buddy. Every day exchange a text, email, phone call etc. with at least one thing you’re grateful for. This will not only help you each stay accountable to having more gratitude in your life, but it will likely deepen your connection and take your relationship to a whole new level!

Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash

3) Gratitude in the shower
You can use a structure in your life, like something you do every day, to trigger your gratitude impulse. For example, something you do every day, like taking a shower, can become a place where you automatically go into gratitude. As you wash different parts of your body, start by appreciating that body part (e.g. “I’m so grateful for my strong legs that allow me to exercise, hike outside in the fresh air, and play with my kids!”) and then see what else wants to flow from there.

4) Gratitude about the negative
It’s one thing to be positive and happy when things are going well. But it’s much harder when the shit hits the fan. These experiences, however, are a HUGE opportunity for gratitude. When you are dealing with a challenge or are struggling in some way, do what you need to do to express the emotion in a healthy way (i.e. a good ugly cry in the shower or talking it out with a friend), and then take a moment to find something about it that you can be grateful for. There are a ton of lessons to be learned during hardships and you can train your brain to look for the growth opportunities instead of just dwelling on the struggle.

5) Creative Gratitude
Keep it fresh and interesting by mixing up the way you express your gratitude, whether in your journal or to a buddy. Some days you can use simple ideas like your health, having a roof over your head, or good weather that you may typically take for granted. Other days, challenge yourself to go deep. Perhaps you appreciate a person in your life, who is a huge inspiration to you, and how they’ve helped you improve your life in some way. Or that you are grateful for all the seemingly magical synchronicities that are showing up in your life, which are confirming to you that the universe has your back and you’re on an awesome path!

Photo by Fernando Brasil on Unsplash

6) Rampage of Appreciation
This idea comes from Abraham-Hicks, one of my favorite spiritual teachers. Don’t check out Abraham’s stuff unless you are seriously open to the woo, because it is pretty out there. It’s the “fruitloopasaurus” kind of out there, as my favorite author, Jen Sincero (who I got to meet last week!) called it when she mentioned their work during her talk.

Anyway, this strategy involves starting to rant about whatever you’re grateful for and really going for it. Like stand up, get excited, keep talking, and just blurt out anything and everything you can think of that you are grateful for, including your dreams and desires (if you want to really supercharge this technique!) as if they’ve already come to be. Have fun with it, be enthusiastic, and let yourself dive headfirst into all the good vibes!

7) Advanced Gratitude Journaling
Once you’re in the habit of writing simple gratitudes in your journal and it feels easy, you can take it to the next level by trying some of the following variations: gradually increase the number of things you write down on your list up to 10 or 20 per day, set a timer and write – stream of consciousness style – about everything you are grateful for until the timer goes off, or journal about things you want that haven’t happened yet (but that you are working on manifesting) as if they have already happened.

Choose one of more of these strategies and give them a go! I’d love to hear how it works for you. Or if you’re already a gratitude junkie, feel free to share how it’s changed your life or what your favorite tips are.

The post Gratitude Hacks appeared first on Sandra Possing.

Our group was huddled together staring at the physical challenge in front of us. We argued and brainstormed and tried different strategies. Sometimes we’d succeed. Most often we’d fail.

And when we failed, there was always a calm and whimsical voice that responded “begin again”. No judgement. No drama. Just a reminder to start over.

Photo credit: Kyle Bianchi

I won’t say any more about the details, in case any of you enroll in the program in the future but this was taking place at one of four retreats that were part of a 10 month leadership training program I attended through CTI where I did my coach training as well.

Those words still echo through my mind regularly. “Begin again”. The neutral, friendly tone was not making any one of us wrong and encouraged us not to indulge in the self-judgment that most of us are so quick to default to as well. And rather to simply shrug off the failure, learn from it, and move on.

Photo credit: Brittany Reid

Think of the goals you set, the dreams you have, the projects you take on… The bad habits you’re trying to let go of or the good habits you’re trying to instill. When you try and fail – or perhaps succeed for a while, get inspired, but then inevitably fail again – and are tempted to give up, REMEMBER THIS:

You don’t need to beat yourself up for weeks.
You don’t need to give up.
You don’t need to hide your mistakes.
You don’t need to worry about looking bad.
You don’t need to make up a huge dramatic story about what a failure you are.

None of that is helpful. And ALL of that is a waste of time. Instead, just begin again.

Every month you get a chance to start over. Every week. Every day. Every hour. Even every moment is an opportunity to reset, re-commit, and begin again.

The post Begin again appeared first on Sandra Possing.

This is one of the areas where I see people get stuck: not putting in the work.

I’m not saying push hard, burn out, or wear stress and overwhelm like the badge that so many people do today. That’s not necessary or helpful.

What I am saying is that too many people say they want something, but never really give it a solid effort. In some cases, you need to just admit to yourself that you don’t actually want it badly enough and let it go. That can be hard to do – to break up with what you thought was a desire for so long. But it’ll give you a lot of bandwidth and energy back that you can put toward something else. Plus, you can always pick the thing back up later if you want.

I finally had to do this with learning Spanish. For the last 20 years, I’ve been saying that I want to “finally learn Spanish” and after lots of false starts and half-assed attempts, I finally admitted to myself that I just don’t want it badly enough. At least not right now. So, I gave myself permission to give up on it (for now) so I could focus on other priorities that are wayyyy more important. It was a huge relief! I look forward to picking it back up one day, but I’m no longer frustrated about being stuck in the limbo of mediocrity, while also not doing anything to get unstuck

Otherwise, it’s time to stop complaining, blaming, or lamenting the fact that you’re not getting results (while doing nothing about it) and instead start showing up and putting in the work it’s going to take to get there.

I’m a big believer in the law of attraction, manifesting, and trusting the universe to handle the details (woohoo for the woo woo!), BUT you’ve still got to show up and take consistent action.

Let’s go over some common examples where this happens to illustrate the power of putting in the work and doing the thing.

Example 1: Putting in the work for your health

This is a great one, because you can’t just do it once and call it a day. It’s an ongoing, lifelong commitment to well-being that takes consistent work. With fitness, for example, the consistency of your exercise will have a much bigger difference than which type of workout you do. Sitting at home and complaining about your health isn’t helpful. Nor is spending hours researching the perfect workout or diet, and then never actually making any changes in your lifestyle. You have to actually put in the work and do the thing.

Yes, listen to your body and gut and take breaks to rest and recover. Yes, be gentle with yourself and have compassion when you fail. Yes, be smart and don’t overdue it. But if you can commit and just keep showing up you will be well on your way.

Example 2: Putting in the work for your art

SO many people I work with have these incredible artists inside them just waiting to break free. Is that you?

By artist, I don’t necessarily mean what are traditionally considered artistic pursuits, like painting or sculpting. (Personally, I believe that all of us are artists. It’s just that our creativity shows up in totally unique and different ways for each of us.)

What I’m referring to here is that you have a creative energy in you that you need to express, an innovative way of thinking or problem solving, or things that you make. It could be graphic design, playing music, writing a blog, dancing, baking, singing, sewing clothes, or even building large exhibits for Burning Man.

Many aspiring artists reserve their creative moments for only when they’re feeling inspired or happen to have free time. If you’re satisfied with that, great, but I suspect that if you truly want to honor your passions, you want MORE. And guess what? Then you have to put in the work and do the thing!

Sometimes that means writing 200 crappy words a day, going to the dance class when you’re not in the mood, or making your art even when you’re not inspired. Don’t be afraid to create a mountain of mediocre work in the process. It’s all valuable, because you are practicing, learning, honing your craft, and training yourself to have persistence and grit. You’re also honoring – and nurturing – that creative life force inside of you.

Those of us who are perfectionists or stuck in a fixed mindset* (that used to be me – big time) can be so afraid to fail that we aren’t willing to even try, unless we’re almost certain of our success. If that’s you, for the love of all that is holy, please consider working with me so I can help you let that shit go ASAP. I will gladly smack that unhelpful tendency out of you

And obviously this applies to more than your health and artistic pursuits. It applies to your career or business, your relationships, your financial situation, and more.

SO! Are you ready to stop making excuses and actually go do the thing? To show up and put in some good old fashioned hard work to move you toward your goals and dreams? Then commit to the thing (whatever it is for you), keep showing up, and PUT. IN. THE. WORK.

*If you want to learn more about the fixed mindset vs. growth mindset thing, check out Carol Dweck’s book Mindset or watch her TED talk.

The post Putting in the work and doing the thing appeared first on Sandra Possing.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

This has always fascinated me. I am highly sensitive and empathic and I feel not just my own emotions, but the emotions of others around me, as well as the energy of a space, so I can’t not notice when it happens. And, I don’t know about you, but I want to BE that person. Sometimes I am. Not consistently (yet), but hey I have my moments!

It feels amazing. And here’s the beautiful thing. It’s not about anyone else’s reaction (although the attention is nice!) because it’s actually about being in such a state of internal bliss and happiness that other people’s reactions don’t matter.

So, what exactly IS that radiance? That glow. That PRESENCE.

Some might argue that it is about physical appearance. The beautiful people! They’re the lucky ones who experience this. And I would disagree. Some might say it’s all about style! Dressing the part, wearing high quality clothes, and having good personal hygiene. I would disagree again. Others may claim that it’s about charisma. And I would say, depending on how you define charisma, that yes that’s part of it.

But the main point is that it’s INTERNAL not external.

While external factors like looks and fashion can certainly play a role and influence other people, the real magic behind this kind of radiance lives entirely inside of us.

Photo by Sue Barr.

Really, it’s all about energy. And that energy – the flowing, glowing, pulsating, radiant life force coursing through our bodies – is available to all of us. ALL. OF. US. Regardless of looks, gender identity, race, occupation, sexual preference, education, socioeconomic status, abilities, or anything else.

It is simply an expression of our connection to ourselves and our relationship to the world around us.

And let me be really clear about this: It has NOTHING to do with arrogance. In fact, I strongly believe that arrogance or any sense of superiority is actually an expression of insecurity. Because real, authentic confidence has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s not about being better than anyone or anything.

True confidence, which gives people that magnetic radiance we are all so naturally drawn to, has absolutely nothing to prove.

We are all capable of cultivating this kind of presence in ourselves. I believe it comes more naturally to some people than others. I also believe that many of us have been through a variety of shitstorms (e.g. conditioning, trauma, abuse etc.) in our lives that have shaken our foundations and caused us to doubt ourselves in a number of different ways. And that’s okay.

Photo by Simon Wijers on Unsplash

As one of my favorite authors, Jen Sincero, says: “It’s not your fault that you’re fucked up. But it’s your fault if you stay fucked up.” The point is to not waste any time blaming anyone else for where you’re at. And instead, to focus on doing whatever it takes to establish a healthy, functional relationship with yourself.

For those of us who, at one point or another along the journey of our lives, became disconnected from ourselves, getting back to that place (that healthy, functional relationship with yourself) takes practice.

To get there, commit to learning how to love and accept yourself, trust yourself, and believe in yourself. It may take work and it may take time, but it’s more worth it than I know how to explain. Do it. You’re worth it.

Then from there, you just start to turn up the dial on your inner fire until you are so unshakably confident and irresistibly magnetic that you light up the room.

Do the work. Take the time. Love yourself. SO THAT you can be the person who lights up the room (without worrying about what anyone else will think). When you are living from the inside out, you will not only feel way better, but you’ll be able to have a more meaningful impact in the world. And that’s freedom. That’s fulfillment. That’s badassery.

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The outside in approach is a source of constant stress and anxiety. It’s understandable that we ended up here. At this place of confusion, overwhelm, and constant struggle. We’ve been conditioned by our surroundings, our peers, our well-meaning but sometimes equally confused parents and communities to look outside of ourselves for all the answers.

That’s the paradigm that most of the modern world (at least the Western world) lives in. (I would argue that the Eastern world has – and has always had – a much better grip on this topic.)

I want to challenge you to flip that paradigm on its head. To awaken to the incredible power you have within you to create your own reality and be in charge of (not necessarily in control) of how you experience the world around you.

Let me illustrate my point with some examples.

When you are living from the outside in, you:
– seek the approval of others define your value as a human being, and consequently your own sense of worthiness
– measure your success by the magnitude of your external achievements
– are constantly trying to prove yourself (and your worth) to the outside world
– compare yourself to others, because everything is a competition and if you’re not winning you are losing, and therefore “less than”
– are so focused on yourself that you miss out on opportunities for connection with others
– feel unsure about who you are and/or what you want because you’ve been too busy trying to do and be what you thought you were supposed to do and be
– are stressed, overwhelmed, or burned out because you’re saying yes when you mean no, or no when you mean yes and are stretched too thin to take care of yourself or recharge
– are either worrying about the future (anxiety) or obsessing about the past (regret) and/or have mostly negative emotions throughout the day

When you are living from the inside out, you instead:
– choose to love and accept yourself, fiercely, and release the need for external validation
– measure your success by your willingness to try and fail, your commitment to continued growth and learning, and by being a kind and good-hearted person who has compassion for others
– train yourself to focus on your own priorities, and if you feel jealousy arising you  celebrate their success, and use it to inspire your own commitment to your goals
– you are so grounded and accepting of yourself that you can focus your attention outward and be present during opportunities to connect with others
– are doing the inner work to know yourself and your desires intimately, and then are calmly moving and growing toward those goals and dreams
– prioritize self care, set strong boundaries, communicate clearly and very intentionally choose how you spend your time, energy, and other resources, leaving you feeling an inner peace and balance while still being productive and efficient.
– plan for the future and learn from the past, but spend most of your time in the present and know how to manage your emotions, and experience mostly positive feelings through the day

Can you relate to any of the above? Are you living mostly from the outside in or from the inside out? If you are admitting to yourself that you’re mostly outside in, it’s time to let that shit go. Seriously. It’s making life so much more painful and complicated than it needs to be.

So take my hand and come join me in the inside out. (Sounds almost like a Stranger Things reference to the upside down, haha!) I’m not there 100% of the time (I doubt anyone is) but it’s where I spend most of my time these days and I can teach you how.

It takes work and patience. You have you practice. There will be discomfort. You’ll need to retrain your brain and untangle a pile of stinky old habits, but it’s absolutely possible.

And the rewards are delightful.

Not only will you start to feel a blissful sense of inner peace and calm, but you’ll start to be able to manage your own energy and emotions with the power of your mind. It feels like some sort of spooky magic. Basically, you become the wizard of your own magical world.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about being delusional or ignoring the facts and science of the world around you. I’m talking about teaching yourself to see the same world that everyone else is living in and looking at through a completely new set of eyes, with a heart full of self-love and gratitude, and an unquenchable curiosity and passion for life.

It’s awesome. Come and play. Want support with this? I’d love to help.

The post Living your life from the inside out appeared first on Sandra Possing.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Being sensitive doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong with me”. And if you can relate, it doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong with you” either. (Plus, how absurd is it that we are so quick to judge ourselves so harshly like that?!)

Some of us are simply more sensitive, and that’s okay.

Whether you’re just wired that way and always have been, or became that way through conditioning or trauma, it’s okay. In fact, I would argue that for most of us, it’s actually a gift. IF we are willing to accept and embrace it. (And that can be tricky, at first.)

Once we stop resisting this part of ourselves – the tender, sensitive part – we can learn to actually harness it as a powerful aspect of our identify.

Let me explain what I mean. Most of my clients, many of my friends and colleagues, and I identify as some or all of the following: introverts, empaths, HSPs (highly sensitive person), intuitives, or healers of various kinds. When we compare ourselves to the mainstream “ideals” that have been presented to us culturally about what success looks like (in the Western world), it’s not surprising that we have been taught to judge ourselves as weak, overly sensitive, or high maintenance.

We’ve been told to “get over it” and “not take it so personally” all our lives.

Instead of cultivating our gifts, we’ve ignored them and tried to mold ourselves into something else. Something more acceptable and comfortable to the rest of society. And guess what? It doesn’t work!

If anything, it shames us into playing small, attempting to atone for our apparent lack of value, and judging ourselves incessantly. NOT HELPFUL. Not only is it painful for us, but more importantly, it robs the world of our legacy, because we’re too busy trying to change who we are, rather than focusing on our unique gifts and the potential impact.

Luckily, I think modern mainstream culture is finally starting to catch on to the fact that some of us are different in this way and that it’s perfectly okay. We’re being heard (literally and figuratively) more in boardrooms. We’re being put in leadership positions. We’re starting to have a seat at the table (assuming that those who naturally dominate the conversation have learned how to listen and invite us in).

Ironically, this is nothing new. Rather, it seems to me more like the modern world is re-learning some ancient and universal truths again. Thankfully.

This is all great news. But in the meantime, daily life as an empath or HSP can be hard. We absorb the energy of everyone and everything around us. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We feel everything. Deeply. It can be exhausting if we haven’t learned how to manage our own energy and the energy coming at us and moving through us.

But it doesn’t have to be. The more we learn about how to accept, embrace, and navigate these parts of ourselves the more we can not just survive, but thrive, in an extrovert’s world, in a still pre-dominantly patriarchal paradigm that values other things.

Once we learn to be okay with who and how we are and figure out effective ways to navigate the outer world, that’s when the fun starts. From there, we can learn to harness our gifts. To not only not take things personally, but to use our highly tuned sensitivities to connect deeply with people (which the world desperately needs) and to heal and transform others. It’s bananas.

So, this one is for the introverts, the empaths, and the HSPs. Here are a few of the tips and tools I’ve gathered over the years that have helped me and my clients.

Here’s how to not take things so personally and to, instead, own who you are – ALL OF YOU – and to do what only YOU can do with the unique gifts that you have.

Because you are not only good enough, you are important and crucial to the world, and especially to what the world needs right now.

Breathe
It’s amazing how many of the things we get worked up about can melt away and become insignificant if we would just remember to breathe. Just pause and take a big ass breathe before you do anything else. It will help, I promise.

Slow down
Slow down and make space. Like, seriously slow down. Build time into your schedule to do things slowly and deliberately, so that you have space to charge your battery before being social, time to decompress after, and permission to process external circumstances and experiences at your own pace (which may be more slowly than other people).

It’s about them not you
Remind yourself that what other people think, say, and do (especially when it’s directed at you or is about you) is actually about them! I know it’s counterintuitive, but it’s true. Whether what they say or think about you is true or not, they are seeing it through their own filter – through their own life’s worth of experiences, fears, insecurities, failures, wisdom, prejudices etc. Much of the time they will actually be projecting their own fears and judgments onto you. Let them have their opinion. For the advanced people: Acknowledge it even! Validate them in their right to believe what they believe. When you remember that you can have compassion for them and respect their journey. And remember that it’s not about you at all.

Stop making assumptions; instead, ask for clarification
In my experience, much of the time when I take things personally, I am actually making assumptions about what the other person is thinking. Let’s say for example, maybe they said something relatively innocuous, but I felt that their tone was condescending, so I assume that they are judging me and consequently feel bad. One of the easiest ways to avoid that whole situation is to simply ask what they meant. You might even be able to have a laugh with them about how silly your negative assumption was, once you hear that the intention was harmless.

Know your triggers
The more you become aware of your own triggers and insecurities, the more you can catch yourself in the act of being triggered because you’ll recognize the pattern. Instead of going into an unconscious knee-jerk response every time, you can develop a conscious ritual for handling those situations instead. Come up with strategies ahead of time for how you ideally would like to respond in the face of one of your triggers and make it a point to practice doing that instead.

Focus on your purpose
When you are tempted to let the words or behaviors of others bring you down, come back home to your WHY. Meditate or just think about what’s most meaningful to you, what you’re all about, what you’re here to do, and then notice how much bigger and more important that is than whatever that person was causing you to feel.

Those are just a handful of my favorite tips and tricks. Choose one or two that resonate for you and practice. Be gentle with yourself because un-training our brain out of our unhelpful tendencies, like taking things personally, takes just as much time (if not more) than training our brains to adopt more helpful ones. Be committed, be patient, and just keep going.

The more you’re able to let go of the HUGE waste of time and energy that we sensitive types like to spend on taking things personally, the more you’ll have to invest in what truly matters to you.

The post Sensitive much? How to not take things so personally. appeared first on Sandra Possing.

Whether it’s living too far away from extended family and old friends, being too busy with work and other obligations, or simply not having the energy by the end of the day, we have plenty of compelling excuses for letting our most important relationships fade away.

Sure, most of us loosely follow each other on social media these days but, let’s be honest, looking at and liking someone’s vacation pictures is NOT the same as actually having a conversation with them.

Most people I know would love to have better contact with certain people in their lives. And yet how many of us actually make an effort to change it? This has been on my mind recently because, personally, I’m pretty terrible at keeping in touch with people. The most poignant example of this is my contact with my dad.

He lives in Sweden and while we have a great relationship and I try to go visit when I can, neither one of us is very good at initiating contact or doing so regularly. I hated that sometimes months would go by without us talking.

So I decided to finally do something about it! 

I used one of my favorite time management hacks, which is putting things on a calendar instead of (or in addition to) a to do list, as a way of truly committing to and prioritizing them.

This is something I recommend to clients all the time. And I realized it’s also a powerful strategy when it comes to deepening relationships. Here’s what you do:

Simply add a regular recurring event to your calendar as a standing date with the person you’d like to reestablish or deepen your relationship with. That’s it! 

A couple of months ago I suggested to my dad that we schedule a weekly phone call. We found a time that would work most weeks, despite the 9 hour time difference, and now every Monday I get to start not just my day but my week with a 30 minute phone call with my dad to go with my morning coffee. I get off the phone feeling so happy (and tender) after our conversations and it’s very comforting to know it’s a weekly thing.

Whether we are simply catching up and sharing our plans for the coming week or laughing together and telling stories, or going deep and philosophizing about the world and life, it’s been incredibly meaningful for us to have that regular check in, since we historically haven’t. It’s been working so well that I even set up a similar but in person version of the same thing with my sister!

Now, it’s your turn. Is there someone in your life you’ve been wishing you could have more frequent contact with? Get them on your calendar!

Make it a monthly or weekly thing. Whether it’s a get together, a Skype date, a phone call, or even just a text check-in, committing to the regular practice, just like you would with any other practice (e.g. a morning ritual), removes so many of the challenges – the mental challenge of remembering to reach out, the scheduling challenge of finding a time that works, and the emotional challenge of feeling guilty that you’re not maintaining that relationship. Try it and let me know how it goes

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I would throw myself a big party. And I would invite THEM. Gulp

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In service of that truth, here are six super simple things you can to do in your daily life that could completely change how you experience your life and how people experience you.

1. Answer the question “how are you?” honestly
Ditch the default answers like “fine” or “busy”. Instead, pause for a moment, check in with yourself, and then speak your truth. No need to tell a whole story. Just tell them how you really feel in that moment. They may shrug it off and be on their way. Or, you may be pleasantly surprised to find you’ve created an opening for a real, genuine connection.

2. Receive compliments gracefully
If you get awkward when someone compliments you, this one’s for you. Instead of denying the compliment (which robs the complimenter of the pleasure of acknowledging you), just thank them sincerely. Don’t automatically return the compliment (which can belittle theirs) or deflect it by changing the subject either. Just take a deep breathe and receive. It can be very vulnerable for people to give genuine praise, so when they do, honor them by savoring the moment, letting it land, and appreciating the feedback.

3. Make good eye contact
It’s amazing how much connection you can create with another human being (or animal, for that matter) simply by looking them in the eye. Don’t stare in a creepy way, obviously, just pause and look for the feeling of their energy coming into contact with yours. It’s such a beautiful and simple thing that I’m afraid many of us are too busy and distracted to take advantage of. Look, connect, and smile. You might make someone’s day. Or your own.

4. Pause and breathe more often
Simply pausing long enough to take a long conscious inhale has SO many benefits, not just for you, but the people around you too. Imagine what kind of world we’d be living in if more people slowed down, breathed deeply, and felt more grounded? Set a timer to ding every hour if you need to, or train yourself to associate mindful breathing with something you do a bunch anyway (like drinking water or pulling out your phone).

5. Do things differently
We are such creatures of habit, and it’s healthy for our brains to switch things up. Here are a some examples to get you started: Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand. Take a different route to work. Read a real book instead of your Kindle. Talk less, and listen more. Wear something unconventional (for you) to work. Get creative. Question how you do everything. Each moment is an opportunity to challenge your habits and grow yourself.

6. Stand tall
Our physiology has a huge impact on how we feel. Practice being more aware of your posture when you sit, walk, and especially when you interact with other people. Not only will you come across as more confident, but you’ll feel more confident, and be in a better place to own who you are, speak your mind, and be true to what’s important to you. Plus, it looks much sexier than poor posture

These are all incredibly simple and straight forward ideas. But, any one of them could absolutely change your life, how you feel, and how you impact the world around you, if you really committed to it. I say pick one and give it a go.

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